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Full Custody Due To Abandonment

JAN READING ltigt Huh, lucky if I can stand up.ltigt ltigt Love you, Marty. ltigt ltigt Oh, brother. He doesn’t miss a trick.ltigt Hey, Jan, how about a look over here Look back, Miss Courtney, look back. A little more. That’s it. Got it. ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY Up here, Miss Courtney. Look up here. That’s fine. Now, to your right. Miss Courtney, Miss Courtney. All right, fellas. All right, that’s all for now. Just give us a break. Now I promise you, you’ll get all the pictures you want a little later on.

Give us a break right now. One more time. Now I promise you, fellas. MAN Miss Courtney. You’ll get all you need a little later on. Thank you very much. You’ll get all you need. Miss Courtney, Miss Courtney. Did you enjoy playing Dodie Jones more on the screen or on the stage Well, they’re two different demediums. I love both. Oh, Miss. Courtney. Miss Courtney. Now that you’ve made your first picture, how do you feel Well, I’m very happy, I think it adds a new. Honey, look who’s here.

Jan, darling! Oh, Nina. Don’t bother us, Harry. You must give me two minutes alone. I want to hear everything. Every. Oh! Oh, Nina, I’m sorry. Nina, honey. Uh, what Yeah. STUTTERS You better do it, honey. Uh, hey, how. How about this, uh, kid, huh, she, uh, finished the movie last night, got on the plane, got here at six o’clock this morning, hasn’t stopped since. Looks fresh as a daisy, doesn’t she, Nina Miss Courtney, are you hopeful for the future of American cinema Yeah, uh, later, buddy, huh He isn’t even syndicated.

My Six Loves

Let’s talk to Bill Carson, come on. How do you get to speak to Janice Courtney Who’s Janice Courtney PHOTOGRAPHER One more shot, please. MAN Jan, right here. PHOTOGRAPHERS CALLING OUT Armed Forces Radio, Miss Courtney, could you. Yeah, congratulations. Hello, Harry. How’s it going, Marty Fine, Harry. Every time I produce a show for this kid she tops herself, you know. In fact we’re reading scripts for ltigt The Fallltigt right now. The backers are begging us. Well, what kind of show are you looking for Uh, great! Oh! Armed Forces Radio, Miss Courtney.

What are you, some kind of idiot She’s choking. Come on, honey. MARTY Come on, fellas, let’s give her a break. PHOTOGRAPHER 1 One more please. PHOTOGRAPHER 2 Over here, Miss Courtney, please. MARTY Are you okay, honey JAN I’m fine, Marty. ETHEL What’s the matter Nothing, Ethel. I’m all right. You sure Look, all I want is some food. So far today I’ve been to a brunch and three luncheons and two cocktail parties, I haven’t had a bite to eat yet. Yeah. Well, come on, fellas, let’s give her a break.

Now, honey, you take it easy ’cause we have a long way to go. Now, at 600, you meet the High School Editors. At 645, TV. That’s in the Teenage Ballroom. Armed Forces Radio. Yeah, good night, fellas. 715 you’re modeling for Dodie Jones dresses for Modern Fashion. 755 is another cocktail party. ETHEL This one is for the Motion Picture Exhibitors, I have your speech. At 1100 p.m. you’re onltigt Personality of the Weekltigt. 100 a.m. isltigt Dawn Patrolltigt record show, I have your song. Tomorrow morning, honey, the first thing we do is.

Ethel..to start at 1000 a.m. Would you hold my sandwich Why I think I’m going to leave you for a while. What do you think you’re doing Get going. No pictures. No, no. Get a doctor, will you, Ethel Oh. I will, I will. Believe me, you’ve got to give her something. We’ve got a full schedule with this kid. You’re making a big thing out of nothing, Ben, now just lay off. Martin, you produce the shows, I’ll be the doctor. JAN Hey, you two. Come over here. If you’re settling my life at least do it.

So I don’t have to strain my ears. It’s quite simple, Jan. Though Martin here pretends not to know, you’ve got to get away for a rest. What do you mean, rest Read him the list, Ethel, read him the list. Uh, 600, High School Editors. Correct. 645, TV. That’s right. 715, Dodie Jones dresses. I’m afraid you’re both mistaken. This girl is temporarily retiring from Martin Bliss Enterprises. Oh, now come on, Ben, let’s not be a crepe hanger. I mean, the kid had a little bit of a dizzy spell, that’s all.

She’s fine now. You’re fine now. Well, let me put it this way. If our young star doesn’t get six weeks of absolute rest, I guarantee she’ll be flat on her back for the next three years. What I can’t hear you. Three years, Martin. Ethel, there’s a flight for Vegas at 800. Get Sid, tell him we want the best of everything. We’re all going. You, too, Doctor. Uh, Martin. Jan’s going to Connecticut. Connecticut Connecticut What’s to do in Connecticut Well, there’s sleep. Plenty of fresh air and sunshine.

That’ll kill ya. And above all, absolute quiet. Anyone taking care of your house up there There’d better be. That Johnson woman cashes her checks every month. Oh, Ben, please. That house in the country was the biggest mistake of my life. I hate the country. He’s right, honey. It’ll do you good. Why, you won’t have anything to do but lie around all day and be waited on hand and foot. You can have breakfast in bed. Sleep in the sun. Just relax and have a nice long rest. DOG BARKING.

FROG CROAKING INSECTS CHITTERING SIGHS FROG CROAKING ETHEL What’s a word with X, J and Q in it What on Earth are you doing Even when I play by myself, I lose. I knew you’d be up sooner or later. Oh, my. Six weeks of this. SIGHS What time does the sun come up in the country June, the 3rd, sunrise, 522 a.m. One more hour to go. This is last year’sltigt Almanacltigt. In Connecticut, one year is just like any other. INDISTINCT CREAKING What was that Field mice. They can’t sleep either.

SIGHS Oh, my. I think I’ll redecorate this room. What would you say if I married Marty Bliss Has he asked you No. Not yet. But I think he’s leading up to it. Well, if you have to ask, I’d say you weren’t in love with him. CHUCKLES Oh, you’re against marriage anyway. Because of your experience with that, uh, what was his name, Harvey Garvin. Oh. And I am not against marriage. Not at 400 in the morning. SIGHS Ethel, look at my life. What have I been doing all this time.

Well, I wouldn’t say you’d exactly been idle. Hmm. No, I’ve been knocking myself out but, what have I got to show for it Jan, you have thousands of people who think you’re the most marvelous person alive. But not one of them is there when I close my door at night. Well, now you know. CHUCKLES Oh, Ethel. You know marriage and show business, they just don’t mix. Why should I give up everything I’ve ever worked for since I was 14 just to become a housewife Who says you have to give it up.

We know plenty of people who combine marriage and a career. Maybe. But I’ve come this far alone. I think it’s better that way. For me. You’re going to get awfully tired of looking at me day after day. Never. Who else always lets me win at Scrabble ETHEL CHUCKLES Come on. Help me turn the tiles over. Ugh. She’s got her nerve. CHOPPING Bursting in here in the middle of the night without telling us. Oh, I can see what’s ahead. Eating in the kitchen. Asking for permission to use the car.

Oh, I’d best give notice right away. Don’t get yourself in a snit, Momma. Shut up, Ava. It’s a pity, too. I’ve taken a liking to this place. Don’t file your nails, dear. But, Momma. Shut up, Ava. Come, help me move the television into our room before they wake up. I don’t see why we should have to change our lives just to SNIFFLES suit her. Shut up, Ava. Whew. If there’s one thing I can’t abide it’s stale cigarette smoke. We never had odors like these before they arrived.

AVA I wonder who that Turkey Neck was that she brought with her. SELINA Probably one of those show business parasites. Must have picked her up in Hollywood. AVA I wish somebody would pick me up in Hollywood. Shut up, Ava. AVA SNIFFLES Mrs. Johnson, I presume. I don’t believe we’ve had the pleasure. I’m Turkey Neck Swenson, Miss Courtney’s personal parasite. What’s the matter SNIFFLING Got lumps in your bed, ma’am Shut up, Ava. My daughter. Why doesn’t she blow her nose She’d get instant relief. SNIFFLES Oh. GIGGLES NERVOUSLY Good morning, Miss Courtney.

Ah, good morning, Selina. Good morning, Ava. Would you fix us some breakfast, Selina Now Now. Hmm. Of course. If you say so, Miss Courtney. JAN Selina My television This is our own personal television set, Miss Courtney. Well then, where’s mine That cheap set I’d only run it 12 or 14 hours a day and then pfft. SNIFFLES Yes, but where is it I traded it in for this one. It’s very important for a budding young actress like Ava to study fine acting. On television SNIFFLES BIRDS TWITTERING SIGHS.

SOFT CLATTER DOG WHINING Selina. Do you have a dog I Not likely. Ava’s allergic to dogs. Selina, If you have a menu for dinner tonight, I’d like to look it over later. Today is Tuesday. What’s wrong with Tuesday Tuesday is Ava’s night at elocution. We’ll be dining out. I see. Well, how about tomorrow Wednesday’s my day off. As wrong mental focus is the chief source of tension so right mental focus can be its remedy. To relax, begin by thinking of some pleasant experience. Ethel. Think. Wasn’t there a crazy old birdbath over there a while ago.

A birdbath Mmmhmm. I saw something that looked like a petrified wedding cake. Why Because half of it’s gone. SIGHS LEAVES RUSTLING I think I’m going to find out what’s going on around here. Jan. You’re supposed to be resting! To relax, begin by thinking of some pleasant exper. DOG GROVELS Aw, come on, Charlie. BIRD CAWS TWIG SNAPS I know you’re in there. Now, you better come out. I’ve got a gun. CHILD’S VOICE Bang, bang, you’re dead. Oh! Oh, come back here, you! That there’s private property, lady. Now, wait a minute.

Come here, kids. STUTTERING I’m afraid there’s been some mistake. This is my property and that’s my birdbath you’re washing in. Do you mind turnin’ your head The little ones are half naked. Oh! Oh, no. Of course not! SIGHS But when you’re all dressed, I want you to scat. ETHEL Come back here! Come back here with that, that’s my breakfast! Oh, no, come here. Come here. Now you give me that. Give it to me. Give me that. Give it to her, Butch. Give it to me. Oh. Oh, no, down, it’s mine. Wait a minute.

Get down, Butch, get down! Now get down, for heaven. Will you get. I was going to eat that roll. Jan, did you see a big mange What’s this Oh, will you please turn around The little ones are half naked. Who are your friends SIGHS Search me. Hey, where do you kids live We was livin’ here. What do you mean you were living here We’re sorta passin’ through. ETHEL Where are your folks Last we seen of ’em they was in Torrington to pick tobacco. Well, do they know you’re here.

LEO No. Well, what do you mean, you ran away We didn’t have to run none. They were passed out drunk. You can turn around now. What’s your name, lady My name is Janice Courtney. What’s yours I’m Brenda. We’re all Smiths. I’m Leo. I’m Amy. I’m Sherman Smith. This is my sister, Dulcie. She’s a girl. We’re both twins. This is Quiggily, my baby. I see. LEO That’s Butch. He’s our dog. Oh. And, uh, what is your name, young man LEO That’s Sonny, he don’t talk. JAN Never Well, he used to. About a year ago, he just up and quit.

We ain’t heard a word from him since. Well, has he been to see a doctor LEO Well, what for, lady He ain’t sick, he just quit talkin’. Are you gonna eat that, lady Oh what, the.the bun Oh, no, no, the dog had. STUTTERING Why don’t you children come with us You can come up to the big house and we’ll fix you something good to eat. Come on now, let’s go on up there. ETHEL You’re. You’re Sherman Is that right Just go right to the big house. Come on, Butch. Come on.

We have a very nice housekeeper and she loves children. ETHEL Oh, sure she does. The answer is no. My agreement was no children and no pets, and I’m holding up my end even if you are not. Who is working for who around here I’m not working for you, that’s for sure. But you are working for me, and I’m telling you to fix some food for these children. You know perfectly well I can’t abide children. But, Momma. Shut up, Ava. We are not like other children. Just tell us when they’ve left, Miss Courtney.

We’ll be waiting in our room. Come along, Ava. JAN Now hold on here. DULCIE I’m hungry. CHILDREN CLAMORING Selina. Selina, you. Oh! I’m hungry. She’ll be back. Wait just a minute. All right, all right! Here, live it up. Selina! BANGS ON DOOR You come out of there. This is my house and I demand that you. MOTOR WHIRRING Now, what is that I want some more. Okay, okay. SHOUTING Will you turn that thing off Will you please turn that thing off Oh, hello, Miss Courtney. Hello. What’s that I can’t hear you. It’s very loud.

I said will you turn that noisemaker off and get off of my property TURNS OFF MOTOR SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION Now look what you’ve done. What kind of a lousy gardener are you, anyway Well, I’d say somewhere between fairly lousy and very lousy. Do you actually accept money for this No, no, Pete accepts money for that. Pete Pete Lazich, that’s your gardener. I just fill in for him while he’s sick. Actually, I’m Jim Larkin, pastor of the Fairmont Community Church in town. Oh, good Lord. Yeah. Amen. CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY.

Amen. CHILDREN CLAMORING ETHEL Will you get that dog out of this kitchen Oh, uh, would you excuse me, Reverend, I. Will you get that mangy dog out of this kitchen Jan! Jan! What are we going to do They’ve eaten four jars of olives already. Well, isn’t there any milk Milk. Good thinking. What’s going on here anyway Now. Now there’ll be plenty of food. What are you doing Get out in the yard where you belong! Ethel! Jan, You’ve got to learn to put your foot down with the help.

Ethel, I. No, but, Ethel. Now, Ethel. What I can’t hear a word you’re saying. She’s trying to, uh, tell you I’m a preacher. A what The preacher. LAUGHS A preacher. That’s right. I’ll explain it to you later. Well, who are these kids anyway Uh, I found them in my birdbath. Your birdbath I’ll explain it to you later. Oh, well, it sounds like feeding time. Where’s Selina She’s on strike. She’s allergic to children. She doesn’t like us, she won’t feed us. Well I know Selina from way back. Don’t worry, I’ll take. Listen.

WHISTLES That’s better now. If you want to eat, the first thing you have to do is be quiet, okay And the second thing you have to do is wash your face and your hands, right You’re in charge of that, right Right. Right. Go on. Come on. You heard the man. Wash your face and hands. Go on, honey. JIM And leave the dirt in the wash basin, not the towels, right Right. Now, you get the butter, bacon and eggs out of the refrigerator, you’ve got the milk right there, and I’ll be right back.

Oh, don’t forget the frying pan, right Right. Oh, this is all a dream. It’s just gotta be a bad dream. Open up, Selina. It’s Jim Larkin. Yes, Reverend Larkin I didn’t ask ’em to take my birdbath, I. Frying pan. MUMBLING Come on, you silly thing. Look, I’ve. Oh. Oh, there you are. I. Oh. Oh. Well, that’s that. They’ll cook for the kids No, she quit. Quit Yeah. Well, they acted like guests. You. You don’t want a bunch of goldbrickers around here, do you Why, you’re a regular wonder, Reverend.

You’ve fixed everything just fine. Except for one thing. What We’ll all starve to death, I can’t cook. Oh, what about your, uh, colleague Ethel Yeah. Oh, she can’t even open a box of crackers. Looks like I’m elected, huh Come here, speedy. Didn’t think I’d check, did you, huh Uhhuh. You go back and wash behind both ears. CHILDREN We’re all washed up. All right, all right. All you kids can help set the dining room table. This lovely lady here will show you how. Now, plates. Here. Oh, do you think you can handle these without dropping them.

Just hand me the plates, wise guy. Come on, kids, we’re all busboys. CHILDREN TALKING INDISTINCTLY And now, Miss Courtney, cooking lesson number one. This, my dear Miss Courtney, is an egg. Because of its fragile outer covering, it is very easily broken. Observe. CHINA SHATTERING SIGHS Better get the, uh, paper plates. Right. Right. CHILDREN SCREAMING Okay, kids, let’s eat! Come on, you guys! Here you are, give this to Butch. Oh, okay. Here, Butch. CHILDREN SCREAMING EXCITEDLY Hey, you, you, you, you, come sit over here. I don’t want to see this on your head again today.

Come sit over here. Look what I got. Look! Look what I got! Thank you. Come on. Dear Lord, grant that there be no others wanting for the fruits of thy goodness that thou hast blessed us with today. That all thy servants may partake of thy generous harvest. And that, strengthened by them, we may continue in thy service, oh, Lord, all the days of our life. Amen. JAN Amen. BRENDA May I have a banana Here, take your napkins. Come on, take all your napkins up there. Sonny, how about some potato salad.

Here, have some bacon. You see, Ava, we must profit from every experience. But, Momma. When we get to be a star, dear, we’ll still be nice to the little people. I thought that preacher was kinda cute. Shut up, Ava! DOOR SLAMMING GLASS SHATTERING They took the T V. This one isn’t clean. Wipe it off. You’re supposed to be resting. Oh, don’t I wish I were. Ladies, meet the new assistant chef, Mr. Sonny Smith. They’re a little new at this dishwashing, Sonny, but they’ll. They’ll get used to it.

What kind of a screwball is he, anyway In case you don’t recognize the type, honey, that is a man. Well, I know all types of men, but this one is beyond me. With a little effort you might catch up to him. CHUCKLES Not done yet, huh Sonny and I are all through. What’s holding you two up You know, Reverend, you seem to have all the answers, but, uh, here’s a little question for you. Where are these kids going to sleep tonight Well, let’s see. We were talking about calling the sheriff.

No, no, you can’t do that. Why not We’ll handle it ourselves. How Well, my landlady. She’s got lots of room, she loves kids. I think she’d be delighted to put ’em up for the night. Oh, that’d be perfect. Then I can get a little rest around here. Thank you, Reverend. Good. Now that’s all settled. I’ll take Leo, Brenda and Sherman, and you take Amy, Dulcie and Sonny. Me Oh, wait a minute. If I can handle three, so can you. Oh, I certainly didn’t say, Reverend. As a special concession, I’ll take the dog.

Wrap this up for him, will you Come on, kids. Special dessert tonight. Apple turnovers. Homemade. LEO Come on, Butch. Butch, get in this car! ETHEL Well, we’ve tried blind man’s buff, funny songs, hot cocoa. What’s next JAN I guess we just have to put them to bed. I’ll do the dishes. You will I can’t stand the way they look at me. And now, children, we’ve had a lovely day today, haven’t we And now it’s time to go beddybye, huh We can go to sleep and have a lovely rest.

And then we’ll wake up in the morning and have a beautiful breakfast! Oh, now, look. Don’t worry about Brenda, and Leo and Sherman. They’re gonna be all right. Really. They’re coming back in the morning, they. Well, I. Let’s go to sleep, huh I’m so tired. Uh, here, honey. Uh, D. Dulcie. Darling, you sleep right over there on that sofa, over there. That’s it, honey, get right up. That’s the girl. Right over there, darling. You. You’re just gonna love that bed. Well, uh, Amy dear, it’s more your size, honey.

You get right over there. That’s the girl. Get right over there, honey. BUTCH BARKS Oh! Butch, get down! How did you get back here anyway Now, Butch! We come back. Nobody splits us up. TELEPHONE RINGING Hello Oh, Reverend Larkin. Oh, yes, yes, they certainly are. No. No, no. Please don’t bother. They’re here, they might as well stay. No. Thank you. You’ve done more than enough in one day. SIGHS Well. Let’s see. We can sleep three in here, and who would like to sleep in the Johnsons’ room.

No, thanks. We’ll all sleep right in here, together. Uh, well, now, we’ll just get some. Ethel! Thank you, Sherman. Now, we all have a nice, comfortable place to sleep, and we’re going to get up bright and early in the morning. We have to say our prayers first. You what Their prayers. Come on, Dulcie, it’s your turn. Come on, Sonny. Thank you, God, for taking care of us all day and for your blessings so. So. WHISPERING Bountiful. WHISPERS So bountiful. God, bless Leo and Amy and Sonny and Sherman and Brenda.

And Dulcie, that’s me. God, bless Butch and everybody else in the whole wide world. Amen. ALL Amen. Why didn’t you pray, Leo Ah, praying, it never did me no good. Perhaps you have to keep at it. Besides, who’d I pray to What about God There ain’t no such person. Maybe he’s not a person like us, but there’s someone or something we call God. Well, if there is, how come he ain’t got no use for me and the kids We ain’t that bad. You need a haircut. DOOR CREAKS OPENS.

BARKS Oh. Butch! Get down, you freeloader. What is it What’s the matter Something wrong WHINING DULCIE CRYING LEO TALKING INDISTINCTLY Come on, here, here. Be still. What is it AMY She lost Quiggily. JAN Quiggily AMY Her blanket. She can’t sleep without it. Oh, we have plenty of blankets. Get her another one. AMY No, it’s got to be that one. That’s her baby. I want Quiggily. I want my baby. Well, where is it Sherman threw it in the garbage. I didn’t mean to. Okay, okay! BOTH SHOUTING SHUSHING.

I want you guys to be quiet. Shut up. Sherman, go get it. It’s gone. The trash man took it away. It’s all your fault, Sherman! ALL CLAMORING Stop this nonsense and go to sleep! I want my baby. Well, I guess I better find Quiggily. Did you say the trash man took it AMY That’s right. SOBBING SIGHS Quiggily. Uh! Operator, I’d like to place a person to person call to New York. To Mr. Martin Bliss, please. Quiggily, schmiggily, crazy phone calls in the middle of the night. Who needs kids and their lousy blankets anyway.

Hey! Is this it No. Quiggily’s white and has pink and blue things on it. Oh. It’s got pink and blue things on it. DISTANT TRAIN HORN BLOWING Why, everybody else had a donut. I bet if we gave them a chance, everybody would eat this donut. Any luck Quiggily! CHILDREN CHEERING Come on! ETHEL Well, the crisis is over. Everybody back to bed. You see the good you’ve done tonight Yeah, very touching. Now I’m stepfather to a dirty blanket. When are you gonna get rid of ’em Well, I thought I’d call the authorities in the morning.

Oh well good, it can’t be too soon. You know kids’ll shorten your life, do you know that TOILET FLUSHING You’ve probably lost a couple of years already. Sherman. You’ve been in and out of that bathroom 10 times today! Aren’t you feeling well Sure. I just like to flush toilets. Hey, Sherman, will you hurry up with the water, I need it! SINGING Come on, Butch, get out of the way. Do you wanna get run over RATTLING Easy, old paint. You’ve got a whole summer to go yet. Sherman, don’t you mess with that beast. You can’t trust it.

CHILDREN HUMMING Good morning, Mum. Trust you slept well after last night’s scavenger hunt. Mmm, what’s going on Oh, put you to work, huh Nope. We done it ourselves. We work for our keep. KNOCK AT DOOR Good morning. I’m sorry I’m late. Who’s that in the tuxedo Oh, my goodness. Reverend Larkin. Oh! Well, what a lovely Connecticut morning it is today. And I brought you a new tree. Mmm. Oh, how are the children Oh, fine, thank you. Present and accounted for. All six of them. You know, I was thinking, I.

Uh, Reverend Larkin. Yeah. Your thinking may be very fine for the children, but it hasn’t been much help to me. So I’ve taken the matter into my own hands and called the sheriff. Thank you for the tree. STUTTERING Well, I. I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t. Well, I don’t want to discuss it any more. I haven’t even had my coffee yet. Do you realize. Do you realize what that sheriff will do to those kids Do you know Oh, I don’t care what he does with them as long as he.

Well, what are you doing with that tree in my kitchen I’m cooking it for lunch. What do you think I’m doing with it Why don’t we all have some coffee Why. I didn’t do anything, honest. I was just looking at it. Looking at what What’s the matter It’s the ice machine, I recognize the tune. I thought only God could make a tree. Jan! Jan! Jan! Oh! Oh! Close the door to. Help me close it! TALKING INDISTINCTLY Hold the basket up there! Hold the basket up there! Jan!.

Oh, Ethel, watch out! I’ll get the pan. The pan, this’ll work. What’s going on here TALKING INDISTINCTLY Where’s the plug STUTTERING It’s outside in the. By the fuse box. My feet are frozen! BOTH SCREAMING CLANGING MACHINE SQUEAKING ETHEL SHOUTING Ethel, get something! The towel is getting soaked. Have you got the bucket That’s it. Thank you, Sherman. All fixed, huh How’d you girls get so wet It wasn’t easy, Reverend. JIM SHOUTING JAN Jim, you’re gorgeous. No one can see in that window, can they What’s the matter Joseph had a coat of many colors.

Yeah. Well, that was 2,000 years ago. Styles have changed. ETHEL Get a hold of Butch, Sherman. He’s heading for the kitchen. CHILDREN Hey! That. That’s the kids. Hide me. CHILDREN SHOUTING No use hiding behind that tree, Reverend. I can see you. JAN Sheriff, you finally made it. I don’t know when I’ve seen you in such a pretty kimono, Reverend. Well, if you’re feeling out of place, Sheriff, I have another one you can use. Uh, go on home, Tom, it. It’s all a mistake. No, it’s not a mistake. Come on in, Sheriff.

Thank you. I came to tell you I can’t take those kids, Miss Courtney. Budget don’t allow boarding juveniles in the jail. Jail Maybe you could put ’em in a chain gang. Of course there is a way to close the books on this case without going through a lot of red tape with the welfare people. What do you mean I could drive ’em up to the New York State line, see, and then dump them on the other side. Then it’s New York’s problem. Let them worry. Dump them.

Do you mean to say that. What kind of a monster are you anyway You mean to say you’re going to take six marvelous children and just dump ’em like so much garbage I know, but there’s. Will you get out of my house Look here. Get out. Get out of my house. Just a minute. I asked you here as a friend to help me with the children, not to dump them over in New York. Well, there’s a fellow in there in a kimono, I could book him for that.

It’s not his. Just a minute here! You know, I’d like to make you New York’s property. Now just get out of my house! I wouldn’t even wish you on Alaska! You’re not hitting a man, you’re hitting a uniform here! SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION I’m hungry. What SPUTTERING Here. Put a little salt on that. SIGHS JIM PLAYING LOW NOTES ON PIANO JIM Walking through the jungle was the biggest beast in the animal kingdom, the elephant. On he came, one mighty foot after the other. And then he stopped. Right in front of him was a frightening sight.

A mouse! HITS HIGH KEY CHILDREN LAUGH Everybody knows elephants are scared of mice. Slowly he turned around. And the mouse, looking him straight in the eye, said. BLOWS NOSE DULCIE Do it again. CHILDREN CLAMORING Now, wait a minute. Now, wait a minute. I think Sherman has a beautiful snort. Can you snort like that No. I didn’t think so. That’s the way a nose should sound. Do it again, Sherman. BLOWS NOSE That a boy. ltigt It’s a darn good thing a nose sounds like a noseltigt ltigt It’s a darn good thing a hand sounds like a handltigt.

Ltigt Life would have its woes ’cause let us just supposeltigt ltigt You tried to snap your noseltigt ltigt You couldn’t count the pains it would bringltigt ltigt I tell you, chum, it’s comfortingltigt ltigt That a nose goes, and a hand goesltigt ltigt And all in all that’s a darn good thingltigt That’s perfect. ltigt It’s a darn good thing a bird sounds like a birdltigt Tweet. Tweet ltigt It’s a darn good thing a dog sounds like a dogltigt Rurrf. Rurrf.

Ltigt Wouldn’t life be stark if when you saw a larkltigt Tweet. ltigt The lark began to barkltigt BARKS ltigt It sure would make your senses take wingltigt ltigt I tell you, chum, it’s comfortingltigt Are you ready ltigt That a nose goes, and a hand goesltigt ltigt That a bird goesltigt Tweet. ltigt And a dog goesltigt BARKS ltigt And all in all it’s a darn good thingltigt BARKS TWEETS Very nice. That’s a good dog. Hey, what about Leo Let’s get Leo.

ALL Yeah, let’s get Leo. ltigt Like the mountain goat told the gnat he knewltigt ltigt You may think life’s a lowly thing ltigt ltigt It’s all a point of viewltigt ltigt For instanceltigt ltigt It’s a darn good thing a drum sounds like a drumltigt ltigt It’s a darn good thing a bell sounds like a bellltigt ltigt Wouldn’t life be dumb if when you beat a drumltigt ltigt Instead of rum tum tum, the drum began to ring ding alingltigt ltigt I tell you, chums, it’s comfortingltigt.

One more time! ltigt That a nose goes, and a hand goesltigt ltigt That a bird goesltigt Tweet. ltigt And a dog goesltigt BARKS ltigt And a drum goes, and a bell goes, and all in allltigt Together. ltigt It’s a darn good thingltigt Come on, Leo, join the fun. Oh, I. ltigt It’s a darn good thingltigt ltigt Train sounds like a trainltigt CHILDREN Chooga chooga choo. ltigt It’s a darn good thing a plane sounds like a planeltigt ALL DRONING ltigt Life would be insane if when you saw a trainltigt.

ALL Toot, toot. ltigt It took off like a planeltigt ALL DRONING ltigt The chances are your eyeballs would pingltigt ltigt I tell you, chums, it’s comfortingltigt Got another snort ltigt That a nose goes, and a hand goesltigt ltigt That a bird goesltigt Tweet. ltigt And a dog goesltigt BARKS ltigt That a drum goesltigt Boom! ltigt And a bell goesltigt ltigt That a train goesltigt ALL CHUGGING ltigt And a plane goesltigt ALL DRONING ltigt And all in all it’s a darn good thingltigt.

SIGHS ltigt It’s a darn good thingltigt ltigt The sky above is blueltigt ltigt It’s a darn good thingltigt ltigt The earth below is brownltigt ltigt If the sky was brownltigt ltigt We’d all walk upside downltigt ltigt Each smile would be a frownltigt ltigt We’d wind up with our hopes in a slingltigt ltigt I tell you, chums, it’s comfortingltigt ltigt That a nose goes, and a hand goesltigt ltigt That a bird goesltigt Tweet. ltigt And a dog goesltigt.

BARKS ltigt That a drum goesltigt Boom! ltigt And a bell goesltigt Ding! ltigt And a. And a. And a. And a.ltigt ALL MAKING SOUNDS JAN SCREAMS CHILDREN CLAMORING Ethel! Wait a minute. Just a. Ethel! ETHEL All right. All right. All right, break it up. Come on, come on. Show’s over. Time for bed. Come on, Amy, you get out the bedding, honey. Whoops! Come on. All right, Sherman. You can have the big pillow toni. Sherman! Ooh! I’m sorry. Ethel. Oh! You looking for something, Sonny.

Oh. Goodnight, little man. It’s hard not to play favorites, isn’t it ETHEL AND CHILDREN TALKING INDISTINCTLY Come on, I’ll fix you some coffee. I learned how to boil water today. Here, Dulcie. That preacher ain’t such a bad guy. Leo, you’re a very shrewd judge of character. But there’s one thing I don’t understand, how a smart fellow like him come to be a preacher. There must be a mistake somewhere. Why don’t you speak to him about it Maybe you can talk him out of it. Naw, naw. I’ll mind my business if he’ll mind his.

Have a blanket Oh, I’m a fan of yours from way back. I remember the first thing I ever saw you in. ltigt Young And Happy.ltigt Saw it twice. Jim. I saw ltigt Dodie Jones’ Holidayltigt when you tried it out in New Haven. A good thing they rewrote that second act, huh CHUCKLES Jim, I’m flattered that you’re a fan of mine, but I’ve got a big mishmash to take care of, and it’s sleeping in my living room. Oh, you mean the kids No problem. We’ll just send them to Juvenile Hall.

Buddy of mine works there, there’ll be no red tape. What will they do with them Why do you care as long as they are off your hands I don’t really. I am just curious, that’s all. What will they do with them Send them out for adoption. Who’ll adopt six children No one. Most people only want one, usually an infant. They’ll just split ’em up and farm ’em out to foster homes. Here we go again, Sonny. We’re gettin’ out of here. SOBS Oh, now look, Sonny, there ain’t no use cryin’.

Why. Why, you’re almost grown up now. Get your shoes on. JAN Well, isn’t there anything we can do for the children After all. Come on, come on, get your shoes on..I do feel a great responsibility. JIM Well, I wouldn’t worry about it, Jan. And leave this thing here. It doesn’t belong to us. JAN Well, how do you mean you can count on them Sherman, Sherman. Get up, get up. JIM They’re good kids, Jan. Well, what about their parents When the children ran away they were at Torrington.

Couldn’t have gotten far. Couldn’t we try to find them Oh, absolutely. We could always send out Butch. Butch Yeah, he must have a little bloodhound in him. He’s got everything else. WHISPERING Dulcie, come on! Hurry up! Come on, kids! Come on! We don’t want to get caught! They’re going over the wall. Who Your six convicts. Come on. Hurry! We can set up a road block. Ethel! Ethel! ETHEL This way! What’s up, friends Where are you going You’re gonna turn us over to Juvenile Hall. We heard you talkin’.

No, you’ve. You’ve got it wrong, Leo. We have to report you to the authorities so that Miss Courtney can get temporary custody. Temporary custody What’s that Well, that’s the legal right to keep you here until we find your parents. But she don’t want us. JIM Oh, I think she does. Why don’t you ask her Do you, Miss Jan Of course I do. Well, what are we all standing around for You’re going to catch pneumonia. Now let’s go back to bed. Everyone. March. All right, troops. You heard the sergeant. Back to the barracks.

Well, they had to sleep someplace, didn’t they I. I mean, I couldn’t just let them run off. Absolutely. Besides, it’s just until we find their parents. What am going to do with six kids Tomorrow, for example. How about a picnic Picnic. Hmm. Gee, I haven’t been on one of those in. I’ll get my landlady to make some potato salad, bake some brownies. Could you Sure. That’d be marvelous. Marty’s coming up tomorrow, and I’ll call him and tell him to bring some cold cuts. Jim, that’s a wonderful idea.

I don’t know how I’d ever manage without you. Glad I was around. Sonny, why don’t you use this pitcher, honey That way you won’t spill it. Come on. No good, huh Well, you’re the boss. Leo, I’m reading this book about tree planting, I’m sure you know all about it. But the gardener is off now. So, will you help me take this out in the ba. I tried that, Jan. He’s adopted it. We have a tree in the kitchen. There’s a lady with a funny car outside. Well, who does she wa. Did she ask for me.

Well, I’ll take care of it. I guess you’ll just have to cut a hole in the roof. No other way until I. Then you’ll be sure and get it there by 11 Right. Thank you. Hi. I’m Diane Soper. I’ve got some chocolate brownies and some potato salad for you. Potato salad Yeah, I’m Jim Larkin’s landlady. Who are you Uh, that’s Sherman. You certainly don’t look like a landlady. That’s what I keep telling my husband. We know what it is to feed a gang of urchins. We’ve got seven of our own.

Here, let me help you. Seven Mmmhmm. You’ve got me beat. Amy, put that in the kitchen. Oh, I really appreciate this. Oh, I’m glad to do it. Well, look, while I’m here, maybe you’ve got a. A white elephant you’d like to donate to our auction. We’re raising money to build a new rectory for Jim. Oh He didn’t tell me. Oh, he’s just got a room with us. He doesn’t complain, but he’s pretty cramped. Some silly thing that you don’t need. The uglier the better. Uh, a birdbath.

A big one Oh, yes, very. And complicated. Why, it sounds perfect. Look, I’m a little filled up. Can you get it to the church before 11 CAR HONKING Oh, yes. Leave it to me. Good girl. Thanks again, Mrs. Soper. Call me Diane. Anybody I should know If you like children and potato salad. Hey. You can’t afford it. I thought you were going to get rid of them. They’ll destroy you. Oh nonsense. Last night I had my best sleep in years. Yeah, well you’re not running an orphanage, you know.

Well, it’s just until we find their parents. Who is this man Huh Oh, Mario. Kid, this is Mario. I borrowed him from 21. Wait’ll you see what he does with truffles. CHUCKLES Truffles Yeah, you wanted a picnic, you got a picnic. What’s the matter Marty, will you do me a favor Yeah, sure. What Never, never change. Uh, yeah. Well, where’s the spot, huh Oh, uh, in due time. But first we have to take the birdbath to church. Uh, what We have to do what First we have to take the birdbath to church.

I think you better come back to New York with me. Marty. Take me to your birdbath. Mmm. This way. Can you. Just a minute, will you I’m in charge, thank you. Isn’t that Janice Courtney I’ll take care of it. That’s just who it is. I recognize her even in those old clothes. Janice Courtney. Oh, you are Janice Courtney, aren’t you I’ve always wanted to meet you. Oh, there’s Janice Courtney. Turn me around, dear. Turn me around! Come on, turn me around. Quick, quick. ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY Oh, Miss Courtney. We recognized you right away.

Oh, we recognized you immediately. You are going to stay for our auction Uh, no, I’m afraid she can’t, Phyllis. Miss Courtney’s very busy. Jan, I’m sorry about all this. Oh but my daughter will just faint when she hears that she missed you. Diane, Diane. Hold ’em off for a minute, will you I’ll be right back. ALL TALKING Oh, but I want to talk to Miss Courtney. Not now, please. SIGHS Mr. Dodd. You must be, uh, Martin Bliss. I’m Reverend Larkin. How you doing Hi, Sherman. Here, let me help you, Mr. Bliss.

Just get the kid away from me. I think he likes me or something. I’d like to meet the idiot that buys this thing. Well, uh, we’ll find a sucker. Jim, I think we’ve got a problem. Just put it right there, Mr. Bliss, that’s fine. There we are. Now, that’s, uh, one birdbath. It’s Oliver, he. Oh, hello, Oliver. This is Oliver Dodd, everybody. He’s going to do the auctioneering. Uh, Jim. Huh What You mean. You mean you can’t Well, what are we gonna do HOARSELY I don’t know. I don’t know.

Sold, to the lady in the red hat for a mere $17. This valuable, irreplaceable, uh, Early American example of, uh, aspirin crusher. Would you be so kind as to pass that to the lucky lady How do we stand, Diane Ladies and gentlemen, we just put a roof on the rectory! Ah, ladies and gentlemen, what am I bid, what am I bid for this exquisite haven and watering place for our feathered friends Let’s start with a little bid. Do I hear a bid from this handsome, debonair gentleman.

In the New York producertype suit with the striped shirt Do I hear a bid $50 $50, sir. Why, you’ll never regret that. $50, ladies and gentlemen. Do I hear 55 $55! Do I hear. Ladies and gentlemen, I can scarcely believe my own eyes. This gentleman has raised his own bid to $100! Sold to the gentleman in the New York producertype suit with the striped shirt! Yes, sir. No, no, no, no, no. Sir, you are now the proud owner of the pedestal of this magnificent birdbath. PEOPLE LAUGHING.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to go on to the bidding of this magnificent bowl. This magnificently carved two kissing cousins and their fowl friend. Ladies and gentlemen, do I hear a bid Do I hear a bid, ladies and gentlemen Do I hear $50 I tell you what I’m gonna do, ladies and gentlemen. I’ll start the bidding myself at $50, right Do I hear 55, 55 Do I hear 54, 5. You mean, nobody here wants a half a birdbath You mean, nobody has half a bird Oh, now, ladies and gentlemen, this beautiful bird.

Sold! Sold to our talented auctioneer, Miss Janice Courtney! Well, now, we both own half a birdbath. I know a lot of people that have said I do with a lot less than that in common. DIANE Ladies and gentlemen. Marty, shh. Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please. Give me that. Well, don’t look at me. The Reverend Larkin has some news for us. He asked for it. JIM Thank you. Didn’t you Well. Hmm. As I sat here watching the rectory become a reality, it occurred to me that perhaps we might direct our donations to an even more.

Communal cause. For a long time now we’ve all been aware of the need of a parish house. So, now that we have your money, let’s put it to work for the future of our children, our church, our community, and build the swingingest parish house in the state of Connecticut! ALL CHEERING BACKFIRING Doreen! Doreen! Come on out, Doreen, we’re here! Doreen! Get out of there! Angel! Angel! Where are we, B.J. Well, this is the address the sheriff give me. You mean them brats are in there ‘Course not. Probably got ’em tied up in the garage.

They’d better be, B.J. I just looked under the mattress. Well, I’d better get my hat. Well, we only got two dollars left. And we’re almost outta beer. Now, don’t fret, doll. We’ll find them kids before the relief man comes around. We better. You know if we lose that welfare money, you’re gonna have to go back to work. Don’t you think I know that Come on, Doreen, put down that beer. Come on. I had my mouth all fixed for it. ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY Don’t you want anything How about you, Amy.

Thank you. Try some. Go on. I don’t think he likes caviar. At 11 bucks an ounce He likes it. Don’t you Uhhuh CHILDREN LAUGHING BUTCH WHINING JAN Oh, this looks divine. Do you want another piece of chicken, honey Yoohoo! Anybody home B.J. Where are you kids Come on, kids, come on. DOREEN Anybody home LEO Come on, kids, come on. DOREEN Yoohoo! CHILDREN CLAMORING Yoohoo! Hi. What is it Can we help you Are you serious I’m, uh, B.J. Smith, and this here is my sweet angel wife, Doreen.

Uh, the Sheriff told us we’d find our little ones here. You mean you’re their parents My babies, my babies. Oh, where are my babies Oh, so you’re the parents Well uh, sit down, have a little champagne. You got any beer B.J. Them kids didn’t give you no trouble, did they Oh no, no. Quiggily got lost one night, that’s all. Quiggily The dog, B.J. You remember. The dog, hmm And then there’s the, uh, the little boy that likes to flush toilets, uh. Norman. Norman, yeah. Norman was always hard to handle, but we love him just the same.

HICCUPS Mmm. I’m sure you do. Uh, children, children, your parents are here. Come on out! So that’s where they are. All right, you kids! LEO They ain’t our parents! AMY They only make us say so when the relief man comes around! There they go tellin’ that vicious lie again. Just wait till I get a hold of you! LEO Get out of here. Just wait till I get a hold of you! I’ll get my hands on you! Come on outta there! Come on outta there! BUTCH BARKING Don’t you stick your sassy face out at me! Oh, I’ll get you!.

I’ll show you. Stop running around that corner. GURGLING SOUND Ethel, let’s do something. I think they can handle it. I’ll show you who’s boss here! GROANING Oh, enough is enough. Leave those poor children alone! Better mind your own business, lady. Come on. B.J., B.J. I got an idea. You seem to have taken a great fancy to them kids. What’s on your mind, Mrs. Smith How’d you like to keep ’em Keep them You can have ’em for $300 a head. What are you saying Cash and carry. You get off of my property, do you hear me Get out.

And you’ll never set hands on those children again. CHILDREN CHEERING Listen, those are my sister’s kids. Blood’s thicker than water. You heard what the lady said. Now get out of here, both of you. We’ll take you to court. You do just that. You won’t get away with this. Out. Listen, the law’s on our side. Out. My babies. I want my babies, B.J. Come on, Doreen. Those scroungy people! I don’t know why this had to happen. I tell you, we’ll fight ’em tooth and toenail! Tooth and toenail.

I want my babies. I want my babies, B.J. Jim, we can’t let the children go back with those vultures. We’ll file a countercomplaint. Charge them with fraud and criminal neglect. Do you think it’ll work I don’t know, we’ll give them one hell of a fight. Jim. CRYING BELCHING BLOWING NOSE Hello, Judge. Afternoon Reverend. Judge, this is Miss Jan Courtney. Names, please. Doreen and B.J. Smith. Mr. and Mrs. Smith, I have here a sworn statement signed by Miss Courtney, that you have admitted posing as the parents of six children in your care,.

For purposes of extracting money from the Welfare Department. Is this true Well, Your Honor, we’ve always loved them kids just like they was our very own. Took ’em in out of the cold when Doreen’s sister run off. Only one in the family that ever went bad. How old are these children, Mrs. Smith DOREEN How old That’s right. How old are they You’d better ask B.J. He’s better than me at arithmetic. WHISPERING Go on. Well, sir How old is the oldest one About 10 Well, sir STUTTERING Well, how should I know They’re just kids.

I see. It also says here that you very kindly offered to sell the children to Miss Courtney for $300 apiece. Why so low, Mr. Smith That was the wife’s idea, not mine. All we want’s to make back the money we spent on ’em. I see. Well, that sounds like a very fair proposition to me. I can’t understand why Miss Courtney turned you down, can you No, honey, I can’t. NUT CRACKS I didn’t think so. Mr. and Mrs. Smith, it is my duty to inform you that whatever legal jurisdiction you may have had over these children.

In the past is henceforth null and void. The children are hereby appointed wards of the court. CRYING Oh, but, Your Honor, the kids is all we got in this wide world. Besides, what’ll I tell the relief man when he comes around Now, now, don’t fret, Doreen. We’ll have some kids of our own when we get married. Maybe I’ve been too hasty. Thinking’ it over, I’m willing to let the three littlest ones go at half price. Oh, shut up. I’d like to put you two in jail for the rest of your lives.

And if you’re not off these premises within three minutes or less, I’m going to try and find some way to do it. Is that clear STUTTERING Yes sir, Judge. That’s clear all right. Come on, Doreen, let’s get out of here. What good were you, you damn fool! Now we’re in a mess! We ain’t got one red cent! Listen, you’re gonna go to work and you’re gonna get those calluses off your backside. I don’t know what’s come over you. Now, Doreen! I ain’t gonna give up my standard of living!.

CHILDREN CHEERING BUTCH BARKING Thank you, Judge Harris. Thank you for your decision. Well, it wasn’t a very difficult one to reach. What’s the next step, Judge Unless I can find a temporary home for the children, they’ll have to go to the authorities at Hartford. Wouldn’t it be possible for the children to just stay with me Until you find a permanent home, that is. Yes, it might be possible. Provided I approved it. Well, I think they’ve been happy with me. Have you been happy with them Yes. I’ve never been happier.

Miss Courtney, there’s no telling how long your custody might last. Maybe a week, maybe a year. It’s all very fine to say you want custody, but let’s make sure you know exactly what that means. It means that those children are going to be your responsibility. You’ve got to feed them, clothe them, protect them, whether they’re sick or well. And furthermore, you’ve got to enjoy doing it. Now, I don’t know you. I know you’re an actress. I can see, you’re very beautiful. However, neither of these things qualifies you as a foster parent.

Judge, may I say something This summer, I’ve gotten to know Miss Courtney quite well. I’ve seen her with the children. I’ve seen how they’ve responded to her. I don’t think you’ll find a home where they’ll get more affection or a greater understanding. I think she’s ideal. Here, You. You take these home and read them and then if you’re still in the same mind, fill them out and have an attorney notarizes them. Thank you, Judge Harris. Thank the Reverend. His word goes a long way around here, you know.

MOUTHING Thank you. Tell me. Have you thought of adopting them Oh, I’m not married, Judge Harris. Oh Pity. CHILDREN CHEERING CHILDREN TALKING EXCITEDLY Well, Leo, what should we do to celebrate You know, maybe she was right. About what Well, I remember what Miss Jan was saying about God and all that. Yeah Well, you didn’t do anything like saying a prayer or anything like that ‘Course not. Whatever gave you that idea Well. ETHEL Someone’s missing. There are only five of you. Who’s missing TOILET FLUSHING KIDS SHOUTING Here you are, dear, right there. Oops! Okay, honey.

And a blue one. Yoohoo! LAUGHS You got it Oh, one more. ALL LAUGHING AND TALKING ETHEL Here, honey, here are your things. Oh, now, wait a minute! Wait a minute, wait a minute. Don’t open anything. All together. Ah, ready, get set, go! Come on, children. CHILDREN EXCLAIMING Hey, look at this! PLAYING OFFKEY SIGHS GROVELING Here you are, Butch. Just to let you know that you belong. Yeah, yeah. HONKING Shall we Here we are. TALKING INDISTINCTLY CHILDREN SCREAMING You must be the folks that called for the school bus.

You ought to be out on the road. Come on in, we’re late. Come on, get inside. Oh, we’ll be on the road tomorrow morning. Goodbye. Goodbye, Sonny. On the bus, everybody. That’s it. Step right up. Right on the bus. Butch! Butch! Butch! Come here, Butch. Leo, get the dog. Get that dog off this bus! Butch, come on now, get out of this bus. Come on, get down. You can’t go to school. Get down from there. Here, Butch. What are you doing with that plank He can’t bring that thing in here!.

Don’t yell at a child. Will you get down from there, for goodness sake. Sherman. Don’t push! Boy, you’re a bossy bus driver! Jan! Give it here. Oh, give me that. Jan, you’d better get off before she throws you off. Sherman. Property of Sherman. It’ll be here when you get home, all right You ruined my board! You ruined my board! I’ll save it for you at home, honey! Come on, Butch. Come on. Get back here, Butch. Butch, come back here. Butch, come here. CHILDREN SHOUTING Butch, come back here!.

Come back here! Come back here! Will you get on this bus Where are you all going Ethel, get that dog Hey, Sherm, grab him! Children, get back in the bus! ALL CLAMORING Butch! Come back here, Butch! Come back here, Butch! JAN Ethel! JAN Come here and help me, for help me. Ooh. Ethel! Come around to the back! Ethel! Ethel! Ethel! Ethel! LEO Butch, come back here. Get back on that bus! Get back into. Come here, come here you. Will you get back on that bus I’m not a child!.

Oh, I’m sorry. Is it always like this This is only the first day. Wait till they get to know each other. Hey, that’s one. BUS DRIVER Will you get back BUTCH BARKS This is ridiculous, I never heard. Oh! Oh. Well, what. What’s happening Marty! All this, just because of some silly dog. What dog The one running around in that. Butch Marty! Get that dog! Hey! Butch, come back here. Butch! Will you wait a minute Will you save the upholstery Will you. CHILDREN SCREAMING Marty, do something! Oh!.

Marty! Oh! Poor man. I’ll close the front door, you shove them in the back when they come around there. ETHEL That’s it. Good. LAUGHING In, in, in, in. I got Sherman. LAUGHING Get them in. I got this. All right, all right, good. CHILDREN SCREAMING TALKING INDISTINCTLY Here we go. Inside. Come on. In the door. That’s it. Get up. Get in. LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY ENGINE STARTS Let me out! Oh! Get him out. We can’t get it open. Get it open. On the other side. Oh, all right. Come on.

Lady! Open the door! Open the door A man’s inside. Please open this door! Lady! Oh. Marty, are you all right Where do you think you’re going Oh! How dare you strike that child Why not This one’s mine. LAUGHING CHILDREN CHEERING I’m going back to the city, where it’s safe. SIGHS Do we have to go through this every morning Come on, Butch. Sonny, let’s go in and take a nap. ENGINE STARTS Goodbye, Marty. Marty! Where are you going What did you come up for anyway Oh, uh, the script. The script.

I’m not interested in any script. I told you that. You’ll love this one, it’s by Kingsley Cross. Kingsley Cross America’s greatest playwright. Honey, he wants you and nobody else but you. Me That’s right. We’ll be up in the morning. What time does the bus get here 900 We’ll be here in the afternoon. Read it, honey, you’ll love it. But, I’m not interested! Marty, take this with you! SIGHS JAN Love is the broken wing of chance. The evil in you crying out to the evil in me. There is a gnawing desire in my heart, Jeremy.

Its name is love, and it has left my heart torn and bleeding. Yes, bleeding for you. Jan, please. The kids are eating. No, Jeremy, don’t touch me. It brings back that unspeakable drunken night with you and Caroline. Do you remember, Jeremy When you threw down your drink and sat down beside her And frightened Miss Muffet away. CHILDREN LAUGHING Oh, Jim. Eat your dinner. Jim Oh. That’s some bedtime story. It’s Kingsley Cross’s new play. Oh, Kingsley Cross, huh Are you going to do it Well, I don’t know. I’m not sure it’s really right for me.

It’s a terribly exciting play. It’s a tremendous challenge. Will you read it Why me I’ve learned to respect your opinion. What if I don’t like it Well, I hope you do. All my life I’ve wanted a dramatic role like this. Jan, you don’t have to go to New York for an audience. You’ve got six fans in the other room. Seven, including me. You’ve come to mean a lot to me, too. All of you. Don’t let this collar fool you. Ministers fall in love, get married, have children, just like anybody else.

I stopped thinking of you as an actress a long time ago. I’ll read this. Down, six, down, seven. Down, eight. Where’s the aspirin Top shelf. Down, nine, down, ten. Do you have to do those ridiculous exercises every night Allrighty. As a special favor to you I’ll get flabby. SIGHS What’s the matter, got a headache You know, I think next summer we ought to have a vegetable garden. Don’t make any plans for next summer. I’m not sure we’re coming up here. Just because Kingsley Cross is a big wheel playwright,.

There’s no reason for you to start counting on a long run yet. It’s not the play that’s bothering me. It’s Jim. What’s wrong with Jim He’s in love with me. That’s bad Ethel, do you realize what I’m getting into here It’s not just Jim, it’s. It’s the children, too. The whole situation. It’s all too much for me. Let’s go back to New York, where we belong. You just keep punching, Jan. Maybe you can actually talk yourself into believing that. Believing what That these past few months haven’t been the best thing that ever happened to you in your whole improbable life.

Ethel. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11. In this play breaks with the past, transcending also the prevalent modern postures, which I find equally irrelevant in their persistent search for universal verities. It springs from a personal ethos that I call generative nihilism. Do you agree, darling Oh! Yes, of course I do. STUTTERS How do you feel about it, Ethel He lost me at lunch, right after he said, Pass the potato salad. Well, let me put it into simple language. A sybarite woman rebels against the dichotomy of modern society,.

And seeks her euphoria in.depravity. Right. It’ll make a potful at the box office. That explains everything. KNOCK AT DOOR May I come in Oh, Jim. Uh, come in, of course. Kingsley Cross, I’d like you to meet Reverend Larkin. Mr. Cross. Well, I see you’ve been reading my play. That’s right. Well Well, I’ve always had a grudging respect for your work, Mr. Cross. Even though it’s offended some people, it’s always had a certain honesty. I wish I could say the same for this. Well, I realize this is pretty heady stuff for a man of the cloth, Reverend,.

But there are other days in the week beside Sunday. Trash is trash any day of the week, Mr. Cross. Jim! I asked your opinion, but I didn’t expect you to be insulting. Jan, you’re an intelligent woman, but I don’t know what kind of intelligence it is that makes you want to play the role of a. A scheming, twoheaded sexpot. If this is an example of a modern theater I don’t think you ought to be a part of it. You don’t think Well, what he means is that if you do the play, you see,.

He’s got a lot to lose, right That’s beside the point. Oh, no, it’s not beside the point. These past few months have meant a great deal to me. But the theater means much more. I’m sorry, Jim, but scheming twoheaded sexpots make great parts for an actress, and no one’s going to talk me out of playing it. I’ve worked too hard and too long to wind up my career as chief cook and bottle washer in Connecticut. Well, I guess that about covers it. Excuse me. Jim. Sorry, Kingsley.

Well, I guess I lost the first round. Don’t worry about it. She just has to run for a while. At her age I was just as scared of life as she is. Yeah. Here come the kids. Uh, tell them I’ll. I’ll see them tomorrow. And under my brilliant tutelage, every good, healthy, schizophrenic impulse within you will surge to the surface. Right. Here, here, tell her about the, uh, cast we got lined up. Well. You’ve lined up the cast Yeah, we’ve had one for about a week. Marty, you’ll never change.

CHILDREN TALKING I got a present for you, Miss Jan. I painted it myself. Thank you, Sherman. Yeah, yeah, Sherman, that’s wonderful. Here, have a cigar. Get them out of here Come on, kids, Jan’s busy now. Come on, Butch. Come on. Tell me what you did in school today. Sherman, you give that cigar to me. Uh, you. You’re not gonna worry about those kids. I mean, Ethel’s with them and we’ll get all the outside help she’ll need. What about Sonny Yeah. Sonny, uh, well. Well get him a doctor.

He needs a doctor. We’ll get him the best attention money can buy. Darling, this part will turn you from a little songanddance girl into one of the luminaries of the modern stage. Yeah, how well you say it, Kingsley! How well you say it. Good morning, Miss Courtney. Good morning. Hello, young man. We have your room all ready for you. It’s one of the nicest ones we have. Your own television set, too. Did you hear that, Sonny You’re going to have a fine time here. The doctors will work with you every day.

And in no time at all you’re going to be talking a mile a minute. Oh, hello, Jim. Hi, Jan. What are you doing here Oh, making the rounds. Hi, Sonny. Hey, do you know what they do around here every afternoon They bring around a tray of chocolate milk, ginger ale and eggnog. And that’s when I’ll be around ’cause I’m crazy about eggnog. You and I will have a ball, okay Hey, none of that now. Come on. Is everything all right Absolutely! He’s going to be just fine.

Goodbye, Sonny. It won’t be long. Come on, dear. We’ll get your chart. See you, Sonny. It’s a nice hospital. For a hospital. OPRAH MUSIC PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING I don’t know when I’ll be there. When I’m there, that’s when I’ll be there. Fine. Oh, Mr. Bliss Yeah That party in Connecticut just tried to get Miss Courtney again. Yeah, well, I. No. I don’t want any calls from Connecticut. No calls from Connecticut. Do you understand Quiggily’s probably lost again, that’s all. Who, sir Quiggily, Quiggily, Quiggily. Well, what shall I say if Mr. Quiggily calls.

He won’t call, he won’t call. KINGSLEY Now, Jan, now, you laugh. Now laugh Why Why, darling Because you hate this man. Life for you now is meaningless. Why should I laugh when Jeremy kisses me I love him, don’t I Love, darling What’s that Let’s limit our discussion to something about which we know. Oh, I think I do know something about love. Uh, let’s, uh. Let’s, uh. Oh, you know, really Everybody relax. Shall we relax, huh Take a fiveminute break. Everybody take a fiveminute break. Kingsley. I will not countenance temperament!.

Are you okay, kid I don’t know what’s the matter with me. I’ve never been like this before. Do you want to get out of the play What Do you want to get out of the play SIGHS No, Marty. I know what this play means to you. To us. It’s what we’ve been working toward for a long time. Is it Hey, Jan, this is. What we’re talking about is something that’s a lot more than just a play. Jim, what are you doing here Looking for you. Why, what’s the matter What’s wrong.

We’ve been trying to call you for the last two hours. But your cigarsmoking friend here wouldn’t let us through. That’s right, that’s right. Look, in case you don’t know it, fellow, we’re trying to put on a play here. Yeah, well, now she’s got enough on her mind without you calling every time some uncoordinated thumbsucker spills pabulum on his bib. Look, P.T. Barnum, you stay out of this. I want to know how’d you get in here anyway. I’d have fired the doorman! I didn’t come down here to trade wisecrack with you.

I came down to talk to Jan. I’m gonna do it whether you like it or not. Okay Okay. What is it What’s happened Sonny’s run away from the hospital. Sonny Oh, why Where would he go Miami, if he’s got any sense. Get your coat and let’s go. Wait a. Wait a minute, just a minute. You’re not in the pulpit, Mr. Preacher. You happen to be in my territory. You’ll find the kid yourself. I mean, besides, what could she do anyway Look, Bliss, a little kid is up in Connecticut without a home.

He might come back if he knew she was waiting for him. But she’s an actress, not a social. She’s also a woman. It’s about time she acted like one. Get your coat. He’s right, Marty. I have to go. STUTTERING I. Look, now. Wait minute. Look, I got a lot of people around here and they’re all sitting around. They’re on the payroll, you know and. They’re not gonna sit here while, while you run off and play house in Connecticut. Marty, I said I was sorry. Yeah, well, I don’t want to get legal about it, you know.

But I happen to have a contract with you and. SIGHS I’ll get your coat. So, you’re, uh, really going back with that character, huh Mmm. Yeah, well, I’ll, uh. I’ll be around here if you need me and. You decide you want to get out of the play that’s. That’s okay with me, uh. Well, you’re more important to me than any play. Thanks, Marty. Yeah, well, uh. See you around, kid. And don’t forget, I still own half the birdbath. Where’s your flaming star going For a cooling walk in the rain.

Let me put it to you this way, Kingsley. She’s escaping from the dichotomy of modern living and she’s gone to seek her euphoria in Connecticut. It’s all my fault, isn’t it Isn’t it SIGHS That poor little guy. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t run out on him. I. I ran out on you, too. Will you forgive me Forgiveness is part of my job. I stopped thinking of you as a minister a long time ago. FEMALE DISPATCHER ON RADIOltigt OneXL, 67, did you clearltigt ltigt 11PL, 28, clear.ltigt.

Ltigt 20L, 36, 20L, 36.ltigt Did they find him yet ETHEL Not yet, honey. Oh, Ethel. Don’t worry. We’ve set up road blocks. The whole town has pitched in. JIM Wait a minute. Tom’s got some news for us. Yeah. The nurse at the hospital said five kids and a dog visited the boy this morning. And after they found the boy gone the nurse remembers she never saw those kids come out again TOM Or the dog. They took him. But they didn’t bring him back here. Or did they.

Where are they Roasting popcorn. ETHEL They must be in the kitchen. Amy Leo They’re gone. BUTCH BARKING There they are. No, wait. Wait. Let me go. Let me talk to them alone. All right, Jan. Get going. Leo Amy Children, are you there Please come out. Children, please come out and talk with me. You know, children, you have to understand that sometimes, even when people love each other they make mistakes. And I love you. I love all you crazy Smiths. I even love that lolloping big dog of yours.

I love you. And I want to adopt you. And I want this to be your home until you’re old enough to have homes of your own. SIGHS Will you give me another chance CREAKING Sonny. Are you all right I’ll never send you away again. No more hospitals for you. Ever! JIM Absolutely! No more lying around in bed for Sonny. CHUCKLES Absolutely. Okay. Let’s go. Come on, kids. Let’s go home. It’s a big start for us, Jim. We can handle it. It’s right, isn’t it Absolutely. JAN Jim, what’s the matter with your voice.

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