Each year, thousands of parents living apartor divorcing look to the courts for resolution of their disputes. Sometimes they argue overmoney or property and sometimes they quarrel about their children. But fights over custody,access, parenting time and visitation have unintended victims, the children themselveswhose emotional wellbeing can be harmed by their parents fight. In this tutorial, ElaineGordon, a superior court judge who presides over custody trials talks to you over thereality of these custody disputes and their unfortunate consequences for children. Hello, my name is Elaine Gordon and I’m ajudge who presides over custody disputes.
I’d like to talk to you a little bit todayabout divorce, custody fights, and what happens to the children whose parents have those fights.I do this in the hope that what I say will inform what you do and in terms of handlingyour case you’ll be able to do that in a way which does your children the least amountof harm. You know one of the problems that we haveamong couples who are getting divorced is they assume that everybody is fighting abouteverything and in fact if you come to court you will see the hallways filled with people,you believe that that is so. But in fact, that is not the case. Over 50% of the peoplewho are getting divorced who have kids, resolve
their disputes before they ever step footin their lawyers’ offices. They recognize the custody dispute for what it really is,a personal family matter that parents need to resolve for themselves. Another 2030% of the people will, with alittle bit of help from their lawyers or maybe the family relations office, will also beable to resolve their cases. Another 1020% of people will go on to mediation either throughour family relations office or through private mediators and they’ll be able to settle theircases. So who does that leave? It leaves only about 10% of the couples who are separatingor divorcing who have kids, who go on with
the fight. The next step in a fight for those 10% ofpeople, what they do that nobody else does, is that they enlist their children in theirbattle. How do they do this? Well, they have a family relations evaluation, or a guardianad litem is appointed, or an attorney for the minor children or a psychological evaluation.All of those things have the same result. The children are exposed to the fight, askedto participate in it, and in some ways become foot soldiers in their parents’ battle.That step involving strangers, third parties in the lives of your children does irrevocabledamage to the kids and I’m going to tell you
in a little bit later about what kind of damagethat is. But first of all, you can see that asking a child, quot;What do you think about yourmom?quot; or quot;What do you think about your dad?quot; could have some dire consequences in termsof the power inside of the family or putting an undue burden on the children themselves.That’s the first and most obvious consequence. The others are even more devastating. Let’s think about this divorce from the pointof view of a child. I like to try to think of it, actually, as thinking about it fromthe height of perhaps a smaller child, not adult sized, but child sized, looking at theworld from basically behind their parents,
because that’s what kids do. They rely ontheir parents to be the wall between them and the outside world. It’s a protective wallfor them. And what most kids think about when they think about their family at all is prettybasic. They think Mommy loves Daddy and Daddy loves Mommy and they love me. And then oneday, parents who are separating or divorcing come to their kids and say quot;well, Mommy andDaddy don’t love each other anymore, but don’t worry honey, we love you.quot; That’s not whatyour kids hear. What your kids hear is quot;Mommy and Daddy don’t love each other anymore. Uhoh. They can stop loving me as well.quot; And so for every child in every family that isseparating or divorcing, the overwhelming
Difficult Personalities in a Child Custody Case Los Angeles Child Custody Attorney David Pisarra
Hey Guys David Pisarra here with MensFamilyLaw .Have you got a personality disordered spouse? Is that what we’re dealing with in a a childcustody case? Listen up and let’s see what you’ve got. There’s three main problem personality typeswe deal with in divorce and child custody cases. There’s a manicdepressive and theykinda have an up down problem. they go from being really happy to really sad to reallyhappy to really sad. They’re not that big of a deal when it comes to child custody,then we’ve got the narcissistic. the narcissistic personality is somebody who its all aboutthem. No matter what you’re doing it’s about
how it affects them. No matter what you’resaying, it’s how they look. No matter what you’re doing, it’s how they’re going to feel.The third most dangerous one that we deal with is the borderline personality. This issomebody that looks at you and in the beginning part of your relationship you probably werethe prince charming, you probably were the best thing that ever happened. The most wonderfulboyfriend, the most fantastic husband. and along came a child and the focus shifted andwhen the focus shifted, you suddenly became worthless, useless, the worst thing ever,horrible, the meanest, most inconsiderate, thoughtless, terrible, negligent, incompetentparent of all time. That’s the borderline
personality. You’re going from one extremeto the other. You go from Oh My God you’re the best thing ever to, horrible horrendous,terrible parent. The problem that we deal with is, Narcissistic and Borderline personalitiescan’t really be cured. and they’re very difficult to deal with when we get into court becausethey’re usually very convincing. They’re very manipulative. They’re very good at makingthe judge feel like quot;Well they’re just the most concerned parent ever, and you clearlyare just a negligent human being.quot; So when we’re dealing with these as parties in a divorce,we frequently have to bring in a psychologist to try and explain what’s going on and weput each side through some testing to figure
out what’s really going on and with the personalitiesand who’s going to be the more stable and loving parent. And who’s really telling thetruth. Because oftentimes the really controlling manipulative person is able to spin thingsso that it looks like you are the one that’s wrong. Even though they are the ones who areat fault. I hope that gives you a sort of a brief overview of what we’re dealing withhere with the manic depressive personality, the narcissistic personality and the borderline.I’m not psychologist, so you probably gotta do some research on that but those are generallywhat we end up in family court, and those are the battles that we have to fight. Ifyou’ve got other questions, you want to talk
to me about it, feel free to take a look aroundthe website, check out the tutorials and the blogs and give me a call. And remember, acheeseburger and a chocolate shake will get you through just about everything. Take care.